Life changes are part of being human. Some we choose or look forward to: becoming a parent, changing career or retiring after years of work. Others arrive without invitation through bereavement, separation, illness or redundancy.
Sometimes we adjust reasonably quickly to the practical change. At other times, something deeper happens.
We begin to ask: Who am I now?
When circumstances change
Take retirement. For many people today, retirement may represent a significant stage of life rather than simply the final few years after work. The early years might involve travel, volunteering, hobbies, grandchildren or simply enjoying greater freedom over how the day is spent. Later, changes in health, energy or mobility may require another adjustment. Each stage can alter not only what we do, but the roles through which we have come to understand ourselves. Job Redundancy can create an even more abrupt change.
Imagine someone in their early fifties who has spent twenty-five years building a career. They have progressed into a well-paid position, perhaps have children approaching college and have gradually built a family lifestyle around that income. Then the job disappears. Initially, the response may be practical. Update the CV. Make contacts. Apply for positions. Prepare for interviews.
There may even be confidence: I have plenty of experience. Something will come up. But six months becomes nine. Nine becomes fifteen. Repeated rejection can gradually change the question from:
When will I find another job? To: What happens if I don’t?
Research from the OECD suggests that although unemployment may be less common among older workers, when it does happen it can last longer, with more persistent earnings losses following job displacement.
When the practical becomes personal
There may now be genuine financial decisions to make. Can we continue living in this house? What happens to savings? Can we afford the children’s education? Do I accept a substantially lower salary or retrain for something completely different? Then smaller changes begin appearing. Perhaps there is no holiday this year. The car is replaced with something cheaper. Meals out become less frequent. New clothes can wait. None of these things defines a person. But they may have represented something to that person.
Our values and the symbols of our values
One way of thinking about identity is to separate our values from the symbols through which we express them. Someone may see themselves as hardworking, successful, responsible, independent or as a dependable parent or partner. Over many years, those values may have found outward expression through a career, job title, income, home or lifestyle.
Those things aren’t necessarily about status or showing off. They can quite genuinely become symbols of the person we believe ourselves to be. The difficulty comes when the symbols disappear due to job loss. If my job title has gone, am I less successful? If I can no longer provide financially in the way I once did, am I less responsible? If other people can see that my circumstances have changed, do they now see me differently?
And, eventually, do I begin to see myself differently?
What has actually been lost. Values or Symbols?
The distinction matters because significant life transitions involve real losses
Job redundancy may mean losing income, colleagues, daily routine, professional status and financial security.
Retirement may mean losing a professional role occupied for decades.
Bereavement can mean losing not only someone we love, but also part of the role we occupied alongside them. Those losses shouldn’t be minimised. Sometimes what disappears is a symbol of a value, rather than the value itself. That distinction can be important when adjusting to a life that may genuinely be different from the one that came before. Some of the old symbols may not return. Accepting that can itself involve loss and grief. The question then becomes whether the things that still matter to us can find new and authentic ways of being expressed in the life we have now.
What you can do
If a significant life change has left you feeling unsettled, there may be practical changes and difficult decisions to deal with. But alongside those, it can also be worth asking:
What has actually changed?
What have I genuinely lost?
What am I assuming other people now think about me?
Which of my values are still here?
How might I express them differently now?
Counselling cannot undo redundancy, bereavement, retirement or other major changes. It can provide somewhere to make sense of what has happened, acknowledge what has genuinely been lost and recognise what remains.
Written by Myles Doyle, a Pre-Accredited Psychotherapist working with adults and couples at The Misneach Centre in Moate, Co. Westmeath. Check out his profile for further information: https://misneachcentre.ie/myles-doyle/